Launchpad Says No To Drugs!
by BarracudaHeart
Summary: Following a misunderstanding in the McDuck Enterprises laboratory, Launchpad goes on a quest to save Dr. Gearloose from the awful 80s Saturday Morning Cartoon PSA Villain that is DRUGS! (Content warning: Heavy mention of drug use and drugs, but none are actually taken!)


**This is a tongue in cheek drabble based on some shitposting conversations made with my friend CosmicTanzanite on Ao3. This story is in no way meant to make light of actual drug addiction, this is just making fun of the massive fear that the 80s 'War on Drugs' campaigns and D.A.R.E drilled into our heads as kids.**

 **And Gyro and Louie are both trans. :)**

 **Even as a parody, this does heavily reference drugs so as a warning, if this sort of story makes you uncomfortable, please tread lightly or perhaps refrain from reading.**

 **(also sorry for my lack of posting here! I sort of went radio silent on this site!)**

* * *

You think you know somebody, and then suddenly you see their true colors! Launchpad had just now become introduced to such a lesson, and his head was still spinning from it...and it probably would so for days.

All these years, he thought nothing ill of his good ol' buddy Dr. Gyro Gearloose. He was probably one of the smarter-est people Launchpad ever met, and he always had answers for everything! Like...why is the sky blue? And did Launchpad get dropped on his head as a baby? And why was he answering Launchpad's calls at 4 am all angrily (Launchpad learned not to call people in the middle of the night that way.)

But Launchpad could never ever suspect the scientist of being a delinquent on a dark path! Not even with the large robots hidden behind a curtain labeled 'For Doomsday'.

But alas, just that morning, Launchpad had gone down to the laboratory bright and early to greet Dr. Gearloose, and he walked in to a terrible sight! There the good doctor was, one of his pants legs rolled up, and injecting a needle right into his leg!

Launchpad had left before Dr. Gearloose even noticed him, too shocked to even speak.

He couldn't believe what he'd just seen! He tried to close his eyes and wonder if it was just a dream, but no...no it had been real.

He recognized the sight, he remembered it far too well from the second grade D.A.R.E assembly back at Duckberg Elementary back in the day. Dr. Gearloose was doing none-other than dangerous drugs! And he knew about all the different kinds. And he knew just which kind came in the needles!

"Ok, Launchpad...you're a smart guy...would Dr. G really be doing dangerous drugs down in a secret lab that would leave him angry, irritated and losing his mind?", he talked to himself, holding his hair in his hands, "...Oh man, that sounds just like him, now that I think about it! WhatdoIdowhatdoIdo….?"

* * *

Scrooge McDuck had been close to finishing stacking the coins on his desk when they were toppled by Launchpad slamming open the thick doors to his office.

 _"_ _MISTER MCDEE? WHAT DO I DO IF I FIND OUT A FRIEND IS SHOOTIN' H?!"_

Scrooge stared at the mortified pilot from behind the sea of coins on his desk, and looked unamused, "Launchpad, I hardly understood a single word you just said. And with the morning I've had already with your three different crises from earlier, I don't really want to have you repeat. Come back when you have an actual problem."

"But Mister McDee! There's someone in this company who's on drugs!"

"You, lad?"

"Of course not!", Launchpad looked visibly offended at the notion, "I would never partake in such heinous activities! I made a promise to the dalmatian in the police officers uniform when I was eight years old!"

"Then who?"

Launchpad was about to say, until he realized he could put Dr. Gearloose out of a job. He just wanted his buddy to not take drugs, not get him fired! This might take a bit more planning.

He slowly backed out of the room, "...I can't say, sir! But soon I can! Once I...clear some things up!"

Scrooge watched him leave the room, and wondered how much it cost to pay Launchpad to get his head examined more than four times a year.

* * *

Later that night, when Dr. Gearloose and all of his lab interns had gone home, Launchpad snuck down, quiet as he possibly could, and went right over to the inventor's desk. Opening up the drawers, he was horrified at the sights.

Metal spoons!

LSD Tabs!

Marijuana!

Needles!

Oh dear, oh dear. Dr. Gearloose was in it deep. Launchpad couldn't bear to see his dear friend go down this path any longer. He'd have to take action. Both as a concerned duck of the law...and as a friend!

That next morning, Launchpad went down to the lab early so he could talk to Dr. Gearloose discreetly. He read that if one suspected their peers of having a drug problem, to talk to them one on one in a safe space, without judgement.

But it all went out the window when he saw Dr. Gearloose at his desk, holding up a needle, and talking to dear innocent Louie Duck!

"So that's how it works?", Louie had asked.

"Pretty much," Dr. Gearloose shrugged, putting the needle back in his desk.

"Wow, I can't wait to try it someday!", the duckling cheered with delight.

Launchpad couldn't believe his eyes, or his ears! Now Gyro Gearloose was peddling drugs to children?!

This had gone far enough. Launchpad knew there was no time to waste. He immediately went upstairs for Mister McDuck.

It was time for an intervention.

* * *

"Launchpad, this better be good, I've got investors in twenty," Scrooge chided as he stepped off the elevator, and followed Launchpad over to Dr. Gearloose's desk, where Louie was still loitering.

"Hello Mister McDuck. Launchpad? Anything you need me for?"

"Gyro," Launchpad began somberly, "We're here because we love you."

"Excuse me."

"We know you have a problem, and we're here to get you the help you need," the large duck continued, "It's...a huge problem in our society today, and I blame myself for not knowing sooner...but the struggle is over. It's time to admit you have a problem."

"Launchpad, would you just get on with it," Scrooge glared at him, folding his arms.

"I literally have no idea what you're talking about," Gyro answered flatly, deciding to turn his attention to his work again.

"I know you're doing drugs!", Launchpad blurted, "I saw you using them the other day!"

"What?", Gyro, Scrooge, and Louie all shouted.

"In your drawers! You have the needles! The needles of liquid evil!", Launchpad pointed with an accusatory finger, "And you introduced them to a _child_! How could you?!"

"Launchpad, what are you even going on about?", Scrooge shook his head, looking bewildered.

Louie held up a needle that was hidden on the desk, "Y'mean this?"

Launchpad smacked the needle out of the duckling's hand and pulled him into an impossibly tight hug, "It's alright Louie! The evil drugs won't hurt you anymore, I promise!"

"Launchpad I can't breathe…", Louie wheezed.

"Is...this what you're talking about?", Gyro held up a vial of clear liquid in a bottle, showing it to Scrooge for a second, who seemed to relax, and hand it back to him, "You saw me injecting this?"

"THAT'S IT! HEROIN!", Launchpad finally spat out the word in horror, "Dr. Gearloose, how could you do this to us?! To yourself?"

Gyro looked at Scrooge, then Louie, then Launchpad, trying to come up with an answer, then immediately grinned, "Well blathering blatherskite, Launchpad, you've finally caught on to my secret. I can't help it! I just have a problem!"

"Gyro," Scrooge scolded flatly.

"I-I was right?", Launchpad gasped.

"You bet," Gyro was grinning ear to ear as he suddenly grabbed a syringe out of the drawer, and applied it to the vial to fill it, "And this intervention has just...REALLY provoked me into feeding my habit again!"

"Oh no."

"Oh yes."

"Dr. G, don't do this to yourself! Fight the urge!"

"I can't, Launchpad, old pal. It's a sickness! A real sickness!", Gyro cried dramatically as he rolled his pant leg up.

"Gyro, quit the act, he's not smart enough to know it's a-"

"Oh but, Mister McDuck! He needs to see!", Gyro exclaimed, and jammed the needle into his leg with a dramatic scream of death, and collapsed over in the chair in a fake-faint.

"NOOOO!", Launchpad cried.

"Gyro, you're being an arse," Scrooge shook his head.

The scientist sat up, and unrolled his pant leg back over his leg, and smiled, "Well...that was fun."

"Dude, just tell him what it is already, he won't stop squeezing me," Louie groaned.

Launchpad stopped his wailing after an extra four seconds, realizing nobody else was upset, "...heyyyy...wait a minute….that's not actually drugs is it?"

"Well, it is drugs-"

"A-HA!"

"But not heroin...or recreational in my case. It's testosterone."

"Wh-what kind of drug is th-"

"I'm trans, you ding-dong, it's my hormones," Gyro rolled his eyes, putting the vial away, "I was only showing it to Louie because he's looking into it a few years from now."

"S-So you're...not on evil drugs?"

"No," Gyro smiled smugly, "I'm not."

"S-so the metal spoons, LSD, and marijuana in your drawers…?"

"My silverware for lunch, postage stamps, and moss samples from the park? Also not drugs," Gyro shook his head, amused by the whole thing, in his own cynical way.

"Oh."

"I'm going back upstairs. Thanks for nothing, Launchpad," Scrooge looked more than a little annoyed.

"Bye Mister McDee!", Launchpad waved, cheerful again, "So Dr. Gearloose, if you were really on drugs, what _would_ I have noticed?"

"Mm. Probably me not wearing pants."

"...wait a minute...Mister McDee doesn't wear pants...and neither does Donald...or Gladstone...or Fenton...or Fethry….or LOUIE!"

"HELP!", Louie screeched as Launchpad nearly crushed him again.

"Oh for the love of-", Gyro swore, realizing he'd just created a whole new dilemma to resolve.

He'd have to examine Launchpad's head again within the week.


End file.
